| The Longest Christmas IN THE WORLD |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|01:18 pm] |
I’ve said it before but I reckon that THIS will be the mother of all entries:
It all started last :
Monday 19th
This was the first day of my week of so I sort of was prepared to waste it. I wanted to buy some chai teabags for someone for Christmas and as Tesco had only one packet EVER, I suggested that in order to get some exercise, sunlight and fresh air that me and joe should walk to sainsbury’s.
I met Joe in town and we walked along the canal to sainsbury’s which took no time at all. I bought t-bags and analogue sugar lumps and we went to the big pet shop to look at rabbits, rats and guinea pigs (imagine how romantic this would have been if I’d been with A GIRL). We then walked to the showcase to see if there was anything on (Joe is obsessed with the showcase even though we have a great cinema in town that isn’t fucking miles away, next to fuck all else and expensive) sacking that Joe decided that we should go to the GAMES WORKSHOP MUSEUM! I’d never heard of it so I said yes. The whole place is RIDICULUS like a corporation in a Batman film with statues of monsters in the forecourt, logos bordering on Nazi and cooling towers that are probably there for show. We went into the shop where some friendly guy said ‘what are you here for?’ . ‘Taking the piss’ seemed like a cruel answer, so we said we’d walked from town and came to look at it as a tourist attraction. He suggested we looked in the miniature room as the room we were in was just a shop and a load of little worlds for people to play with their little goblins on. In the foyer was a life-size urokai from LOTR. We argued about it being exactly 1:1 as the feet seemed too big for a human and we couldn’t remember if the Urokai had rubber feet on like the hobbits (yeah, and we were looking DOWN on the D&D gimps). The miniatures room was funny. Millions of tiny things including a woman with three rows of tits that somone probably got a hardy for when he painted the little red nipple dots. I wanted to steal the guestbook as it had RIDICULOUS OTT comments like ‘THIS IS THE BEST ROOM I’VE EVER BEEN IN!’. That guy has obviously never been to hooters OR funky pots.
After we walked home I was too tired to rehearse and we watched The Gollom doc on the Two Towers extra to see Andy Serkis do the work that I’m convinced should have got him an Oscar. Joe went to bed early so me and Alyssa watched Edward Scissor hands which has stood the test of time.
Tuesday
Again Tuesday was going to be FINISH Christmas shopping day but I fucked around until it was so late that I went to meet Jaynie at 1.30 at The new tea shop across the road from the Broadway. It RULES! I had Christmas tea and we had cake. They have very BIG and GOOD cakes. It was cool to see Jaynie, she was a bit tired but it was nice to eat cake and chat. I caught up with Joe who after weeks of being pretty secretive dropped a HUGE clue to my Christmas present a day before he gave it to me to the point where I guessed it. I went to Asda to buy food for our Christmas dinner the next day before going to see the SNEINTON STOOGES.
They FUCKING RULED! Everyone was amazing. Gary looked like a drag queen but completely carried off the songs and everyone was loving it. Chris had the Ashton parts down and as usual Steve was excellent. They did mainly stuff off the first two albums plus Search and Destroy from Raw power. At the end I expected 1970, which they hadn’t played, as an encore but they did TV Eye again. Absolutely amazing.
Afterwards I walked Jaynie home, drank tea and she gave me a picture of Scarlett Johansen that Cinema Boy had got for me which RULED. Last year Lucy bought me a Scarlett johannsen Calendar which has made me stare at it for five minutes at a time about one morning in three, but for some reason, this year, no –one is actually making one. When you see the CRAP that has made it to calendar’s this year, this is a very confusing state of affairs.
Wednesday
Wednesday was Christmas with Joe and Alyssa day plus Chickenskin at Raffles.
I went round to Joe’s at about 10.30 after some worrying news. The plan was make dinner apart from their chicken and run to Asda for a cooked one at the last minute. We opened presents first. Alyssa had knitted me a tea cosy with CUNT in red felt letters stuck on plus some Christmas tea. Joe unveiled his present which I had guessed correctly - a 2ftx2.5ft George Stubbs print, printed on canvas and then FRAMED. I don’t want to begin to think about how much it cost him. It was magnificent. It’s in my messy living room now and because it looks so new and shiny, it looks like I’ve STOLEN it from a gallery. I gave him a DVD, a whistle and some no-liquorice allsorts and gave Alyssa a knitting book, some Halloween cookie cutters and some Christmas cookies that you can decorate. We got the chicken and ate dinner and it was really nice hanging out and chatting and listening to Christmas music. I’ve hung out with Joe and Alyssa the most this year, they both rule and it was a nice second Christmas.
After an old man’s nap and a run through I set off for Raffles. It was another unique night. Joe got very drunk but was excellent and funny all night. At first it looked like it was going to be very quiet. Me and the raffles cutie were the only two people who had been asked to do it and the rest was going to be open mic and by about half nine, only the Chris Keller look-alike had turned up. It then went from ghost-town night to fairly bus night before turning into thinning out car-crash night at the end. There’s a guy called Ronnie who we see there most weeks who is kind of intense and has shouted some embarrassing things when he’s drunk. I’ve made badges for him and even fixed one for him and he’s a nice guy, just a little intense. He’s been asking to play for ages but never does so me and Joe kind of bullied him into doing it. It was hilarious. He was playing it straight but kept launching into ridiculous fast metal riffs and pulling a variety of faces with it. He played twice, once in the middle and again at the end where he sort of played another brick in the wall by Pink Floyd. This was unbelievable. Essentially, he’d sing ‘we don’t need no education’ while kind of playing those little jazzy chords then launch into a badly learned version of that really intense guitar break from the record while pulling EXTREME SMILE faces. This was followed by him singing ‘all in all it’s just a………..new boy in town’. Where ‘new boy in town’ came from, I have no idea. It went on for about 10 minutes and the timing was incredible. Every time you thought he wouldn’t sing the line again, he’d do it. People were genuinely entertained but at the same time laughing at the spectacle and the longer he played, the bigger a bully I felt. After, I said ‘that was wild but entertaining’ and he asked me if it ‘made sense’.
The Joey set was OK. Probably the bit I enjoyed least of the whole night. A couple of people said they liked the Nottingham song including a guy who is member of the SECRET LIBRARY, that fabled place next to the real library in town where you have to pay £70 to be a member but it’s supposed to be beautiful inside. I took the guy’s number and he’s going to show me and Joe round one day. The highlight of the Joey set was some guy shouting ‘Shut up man, he’s about to play the saw!’
Joe kept handing out fortune telling fish and then tried talking to people who were not going to pay attention to anything at that point. He joked about it the first time but kept repeating the compering error. Later he did a raffle for a pile of shit prizes which was comedy gold. He’d say ‘ next prize – fifty alkaline batteries’ as though he were giving away a speedboat and hugged the winners. He called out 10 and the 10 person had left so Jaynie shouted ‘I’ve got 11’ so he gave the prize to her proving that you can ‘nearly’ have the number.
At the end, when the night was floundering, Joe spent 10 minutes on stage discussing whether it was possible to sing jingle bell rock with Jaynie before singing one of his dad’s songs which was cool. Again a Christmas treat but only at raffles.
Thursday
Thursday I had a lie in then went to town to finish my Christmas shopping for real. At the end of the afternoon I met Joe and Al at the orange tree which was full of hotties and we chatted for a bit before Joe and I met up with Alyssa to go to Joe’s Mum’s so they could swap presents. We drank tea and then started a weird Christmas jamming session with a guitar, one of those frogs that you draw a stick across it’s back, a tamborine, a Chinese jews harp and bamboo tube with a beater. We rotated instruments while singing/playing silent night then it was a free for all. We did this for ages!
Then I walked into town to meet Leah at the irish pub that looks like a scene from an IRA film which was also very Christmassy. That place is excellent and is a bit of Nottingham that doesn’t seem like Nottingham but could be anywhere. The Barmaid asked my why I was on the lemonade which was curious as no one has asked that for years. It was nice to see Leah, we chatted, she gave me presents including a home made Christmas pudding (the only non-shop bought I’ve EVER had) and it was a cool pre-Christmas catch up.
Friday – MY BIRTHDAY
My Birthday RULED
The first bit was nice and quiet. I got up, saw that the postcunt had only sent me 2 DVDs from amazon rentals including ‘overnight’ which I’d been looking forward to for ages so that was a Christmas treat.
I arranged to meet Deb for lunch and we had it at the Reebok which was very busy before going to a pub to meet her friends near the castle. In the toilets the most AMAZING BIRTHDAY THING happened. Picture this. You’re at a urinal. Having a wee. A guy comes in and stands to your left and also start’s having a wee. He’s cheery as it’s the beginning of Christmas weekend. He asks how your day is going and you tell him it’s your birthday. He says ‘excuse me’ then takes his RIGHT HAND OFF HIS COCK AND REACHES ACROSS HIMSELF TO SHAKE YOUR HAND THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR COCK TO DO SO. He wished me a happy birthday and went on his merry way. If I hadn’t already, I’d of pissed myself so I WASHED MY HANDS and went back to tell the tale.
Next stop was Funky Pots. I collected the stuff from last week and it was TERRIBLE. My mum and dad’s mugs were so bad that I didn’t take them home and will make more. I need to plan ideas more before I go. Jaynie, Wes and Emeline also funky potted and Joe turned up for a bit to collect his cup (which was amazing) and wish me a happy birthday.
After Funky Pots was GODZILLA at the Broadway. The film was pretty cool, very long drawn-out scenes and a lot of the carnage wasn’t scored which lost some of the impact. There was an INSANE piece of music/Godzilla noise at the beginning. It had some great pretend science in it and some cultural jolts like a politician telling the female speakers to SHUT UP all the time. There was a lot of criticism for atomic science and how it could result in Godzillas and several digs at atomic energy which I think are the bits originally cut as they implied criticism of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. On the whole though it was all about the sleepy room. I had stereo sleepers with Jaynie and Joe missing most of the film and I even nodded a couple of times.
Next Stop HOOTERS!
Hooters was a worry as it was the Friday before Christmas but it was fairly quiet. It was pretty loud but started off with Me, Joe, Alyssa and her sister and Jaynie before Will and Luke arrived followed by Sue, Scott and Fat Nick. I got some AMAZING presents which aren’t with me at moment so I won’t do a full list otherwise I’ll miss stuff out. The centrepiece had to be the HOOTERS KNIFE that lucy bought me which is truly beautiful. A large wooden handled penknife with the Hooters Loco tastefully printed on it. It incorporates two of my favourite things in the world, HOOTERS and KNIVES. The food was OK as usual and apart from our waitress ignoring the birthday boy, the Hooters experience was all it should be.
We went on from Hooters to the Bunkers and hung out there for a while. Holly was going to try to come over but was at Lloyds by the canal and just as I was leaving, Anton turned up and gave me some MORE presents including the Big Banksy book that has just come out which I almost bought myself a few times.
All in all an excellent fun-filled birthday only marred by the start of SORE THROAT FROM SPACE which got worse and worse until Boxing day.
Christmas EVE
I had a bit of a lie in on Christmas eve before heading into town to meet Jaynie for tea and cakes at the new place which was nice. On the way I went into that great gardening shop on Derby Road and bought my dad a Christmas AND a birthday present. He’s really hard to buy for but they had loads of stuff I could have got him.
Town was really quiet seeing as it was Christmas eve. I overheard someone saying that they’d shut their shop if it didn’t pick up. The train was pretty busy but I played with My QY70 and listened to Johnny Cash. At home I spent most of the day crashing out watched School of Tenaciaous D and a long kiss goodnight which had an amazing quote about a govornment sponsored terrorist act killing 4000 people that was going to be blamed on the Moslems. The draft on drew’s scriptorama doesn’t have the whole quote but it was interesting.
Christmas day
I pretty much crashed for most of it, catching up on about a month’s worth of rest while trying to ignore the SORE THROAT FROM SPACE, an infection on one side of my throat which hurt like a bastard. My mum bought me ‘one kiss can lead to another’ a box set of girl group songs that comes in a hat box which I listened to a lot. It’s got some great songs on with titles like ‘i’m going to destroy that boy’. It’s also got some better versions of songs like go now that were later covered by sixties bloke bands as well as ‘Every little thing hurts’ which the clash covered and ‘I’d much rather be with the girls’ which Johnny Thunders covered. It’s like a little by-road that ran alongside sixties pop, borrowing from do-wap with loads of conventions like wall of sound drums, narration, special effects noises and general teenage sentiment. It even has a song about a girl suggestion a diet of going out with a guy who makes you so anxious that you stop eating.
When My Nephews turned up I gave them stuff, took them to one side to give them Rocket to Russia and off the Bone saying that I’m going to start sending them albums from time to time now and spent most of the afternoon playing cards for chocolate money.
Boxing Day
Nothing much of note except I got a text from joe sayng ‘I’m SO bored’. This was at 10.30 pm. I assumed he’d been in his house on his own all day but in fact he’d been on his own for TWO HOURS. When Alyssa called yesterday to tell him she was back on Thursday, I said ‘don’t come back yet, I’ll stop coming round and we’ll see if Joe splits himself into two like Gollem and starts talking to himself.
Tuesday
Pretty much came back to Nottingham. My sore throat was gone BUT was swapped for my gums around my wisdom teeth swelling OVER MY MOLAR so I can’t fully shut my mouth. I’m using bonjela and tried Neurofen but it’s given me the shits so I’ve dropped back to paracetamol. I ate a pineapple in swallowable chunks, some ready brek, some macaroni cheese and a can of soup yesterday and still can’t eat anything that involves chewing today.
I met up with Joe in town and we looked at some shops, met up with scott who gave me presents – loads of clash/tom waits DVDs that he’d acquired including Big Time which the is criminally unavailable on DVD. I also bought a Line 6 Pod for £99 which RULES and would have bout an epiphone SG for £99 if they had any left. Apparently it was a pre-Christmas offer. An SG for £99! How can that be.
I went round Joe’s in the evening to winge about my mouth and we watched some of Return of the King.
Not bad for a week off. Did anyone read to the end? |
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